warrior too

Your silence will not protect you.

Audre Lorde

One day I will tell you what I've been.

It will scare you.

Yrsa Daley-Ward

i thought a good life

would be enough to

erase

re

create

re

do

or maybe undo

what was done

to me

i refused to wear the

cloak of that

sins of the fathers biblical

curse, so

i fled

the family

               city

                    religion

even

my

name i changed

yesterday my mom asks

me if I know why we

pray at that specific spot

at the wailing wall, i tell

her we call it hakotel

the wall

i tell her it is some sixty

feet above the sacred

space that housed the

ark of the covenant

sixty feet above and

we place pieces of paper

in cracks of ancient

stone, because we still

feel

and it got me thinking...

about the futility of

burying anything

like

the

truth

of

what

happened

and believing that

if i am an excellent mother

and my precious ones feel

loved and safe and protected

then that will be enough

to

separate me

from

all of that

but how long can you bite

your lip? how much blood

can you swallow till you

drain every bit of yourself?

there has to be a way

forward

above ground, some

version of a patchwork

eclectic mix of all

the wounds and

all the inner warrior

goddess mantra work

right?

there has to be a way

to trust a body you

were told that

existed only for him

there has to be a way

to listen to her cues

and heed her wisdom

and promise protection

and believe those promises

i'm trying to find my

way there, maybe

these words are a

beginning

yesterday, the yoga

teacher standing on

a bench, the pacific

behind him, says

stand in warrior two,

says close your eyes

if you feel stable, says

breathe into your body

and feel what it feels

like to stand tall,

like a warrior

so I do, eyes closed

feeling my way

in